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(Dec.22.2009)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

there she goes again


dear diary,

There is a difference between thinking 'my life sucks' and thinking 'my life could be better'. If I thought my life sucked straight out, I would whine all day and do nothing about it. But even tho my life doesn't suck (so to speak), I still whine all day because I believe it can be way better and it's up to me to do something about it. I choose the people I whine about it to, and you were one of them because i thought you would understand. I thought you would know how to tell me that I have what it takes and that I can - even if you didn't think so. What i didn't know was that you didn't know me well enough and i didn't know you well enough either to think you'd be so judgmental. Expressing myself has been something I had to learn to do because I didn't grow up in an environment that required much of it. And as a songwriter, I think it's good to get all the anger and frustrations out because nobody wants to listen to happy love songs all day long. People love angry bitches. From when i was very young, I've always wanted to live a life that pushes boundaries. I have always been a dreamer, but I'd also like to believe that I'm a do-er too. But pushing boundaries isn't an easy thing. It is first and foremost all about having the correct mindset and gaining enough courage to get out there and fucking do it. And in order to have that sort of courage, you need the support from the people who matter. Although, sometimes, not having the support could also push you into wanting to prove them wrong. I would say that I'm blessed to have both, and it works for me. I used to think being able to keep your thoughts to yourself makes you a hero. But it takes more guts to have your feelings out there - yet people would see it as being weak. Oprah's made a fortune from making people talk. And people who watch it watch it because they wish they can talk their problems out too, but they don't. They don't because they're afraid of being judged. But if you were invited by Oprah to talk about it to a gazillion people, suddenly it feels almost glamorous to do so. And so yeah, there is a difference between whining because I want you to feel sorry for me, and whining because I want you to give me some support. If sorry was what I wanted, I would've just whined to my neighbour's cat. I wouldnt've needed you for that.

x

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