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(Dec.22.2009)

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

overpowered


dear diary,

I hate losing control. I don't know how to deal with things that are beyond my control and to let some things in life take its course. What do you do when you feel so powerless? I have visions of what it should or could have been like but what's happened now is not going towards that direction. Or maybe it is, except I'm just not able to see it yet. Or maybe i'm being impatient. What I have felt from being with you, in your presence, have been completely different from what you say you feel in your absence. How can you possibly deny a feeling so strong? How can you possibly choose doing what you think is 'right' over what you know you really, really want? I know what I want, and I want you. I believe I've done everything in my power to let you know that. I've tried to resist you, and you get closer. You've resisted me, and it gets even better. I said it wont, but i think it could - and I know there's a part of you thinking that we may as well should. Our timing has been so right and so undeniably wrong at the same time. If this is the end, why am I seeing a future? Am i the selfish one, or are you? Is it the same when you touch the others? Do they love every inch of you the way that I do? You are everything I'm not yet we are so alike. You can keep on being you, and I can keep on being me. And there is that little something that will keep pulling us together. I want to spend time with you where I know there are no train rides and planes to catch - thinking every goodbye would be our last. I am happy to know, now, that nothing has actually really changed between us in spite of everything - and I hope it wont.

Have I said too much?

x

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