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(Dec.22.2009)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

choose your weapon


dear diary,

just posted a new bunch of photos i worked on w my new party friends, paul and louis, n the shots are GORGEOUS! the one on the right is my personal favourite, looks as though i'm well determined with what i want, although that is rarely the case i think. anyway, it's on my facebook (link is on the right hand side of this blog, add me and say hi). already i'm missing the kittens, they're naughty and they're adorable. hectic week coming ahead with the londonedge fashion tradeshow this weekend... never ever exhibited at a freaking trade show so it's quite nervewrecking. not too sure where to begin! so it's a good thing i just had a nice sexy weekend before the madness sets in :)

xx

Friday, August 29, 2008

les artists

dear diary,

this is my current theme song, L.E.S. Artists by Santogold. Cant say i like the video just as much, it's cool and artistic but not entirely feeling it. But the song, is f'in ACE! Miss Santi, you did it again.




What I'm searching for
to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall
Walking by myself
down avenues that reek of time to kill
If you see me keep going
be a pass by waver
Build me up, bring me down
just leave me out you name dropper
Stop trying to catch my eye
I see you good you forced faker
Just make it easy
You're my enemy you fast talker

I can say I hope it will be worth what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things that I believe

What am I here for
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you
I don't need no one else
Fit in so good the hope is that you cannot see me later
You don't know me
I am an introvert an excavator
I'm duckin' out for now
a face in dodgy elevators
Creep up and suddenly
I found myself
an innovator

Change, change, change,
I want to get up out of my skin
tell you what
if I can shake it
I'm 'a make this
something worth dreaming of

freedom writer

dear diary,

i spent all day today writing and thinking about what i should do to actually take it up seriously. i've written down the things i'd love to write about, and looks like shitloads. including a book. thats for sure, not within the next 2 hours, but maybe in the next 5 years. i see myself getting married and popped at least a baby out before i actually sit down and write a f'in book. yknow, 9 months of waiting could get a lil boring. plus, i cant really go out partying and singing w my belly stickin out. ok, back to reality. well yeah, i always have this need to narrate & create - the same way music has given me the freedom to. hmm. oh, and i've a new little tagline - S.UPER A.CE E.LECTRO R.EBEL which you'll start seeing on my myspace :) ...photo shoot tomorrow... i need my beauty sleep or the dark circles round my eyes r gonna say hello. thank god for photoshop.

write, ride and re write. xx

Thursday, August 28, 2008

live at synthetic


dear diary,

just back from singing at electro night SYNTHETIC @ Cavendish Arms, Stockwell. It was good fun! I've uploaded pics on my facebook. Also met 2 photographers i might be working with this coming week... woot! cant wait :)

xx

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

where i left my heart

dear diary,

i think its become easier for me to get over someone because the most painful thing i've ever had to get over was, and still is, byron. it's been almost 4 years and i'm still not over it. they say it's easier to leave than to be left... well certainly not in this case. i was numb when i left. and i remember it all just like it was yesterday. it's scary to think if i'll never be as free and happy as i was then.

xx

ring, goddamit



dear diary,

i'm waiting for a very important phone call this week. if that call comes, it could turn out to be THE highlight of my trip.

fingers & toes crossed. xx

Sunday, August 24, 2008

which bus are you on?

dear diary,

yes i admit i think too much. its been my thing since i was like, 4 feet tall. but that was a long time ago. (insert laughter here). anyways, being in london has forced me to take buses and trains and loads of walking everyday which is great in comparison to the spoilt lifestyle KL has to offer. like OMG YOU TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORT AND WALK IN THE HOT SUN????!! GOSH! GASP! SHOCK! FAINT. so in my many days spent waiting for the trains has got me thinking about decisions we make in life. Like, when you're cold and eager to go home you just wanna get in the first train or bus that arrives. And you just wish that it that train or bus ride is yours. And you wish it to arrive quickly. Sometimes they do and sometimes they dont. Of course you can take the first one that arrives, but where will it take you? You can be taken off the pain of waiting and be sat down comfortably and nicely going in a wrong direction. In life, more often than not we want to make decisions quickly and take the first option that comes. Even when you KNOW that you could have better options if you take the pain to wait or work for it and eventually get there. I think I've experienced observing a lot of my peers doing jobs they dont like and hope they will get what they want SOMEday. How the hell do you get to your destination when you're taking a completely wrong route? I cant understand it. I'm just hoping i'm on the right one anyways although it sure feels like a fuckin long way to happy.

which bus are you on? xx

back to grey

dear diary,

anything couldve happend. ANYTHING. that was shit scary... glad to be home. notting hill carnival was nice, nothing spectacular that i saw and wasnt as many people as i expected... but i suppose tomorrow should b bigger and better. plus, a CS meeting is being planned which should be good to meet some new CS folks. okay, time for more grey's anatomy. bring it on!

xx

hey mickey


dear diary,

i just saw a little mouse in my house. its so cute! i wanna catch it. i dont really have anybody to talk to right now, so the mouse can make a real good pet. i mean, i do have people to talk to like about the weather, but i mean REALLY talk to about my everyday life. the little things, that dont matter and the bigger things that do. i guess i took this for granted before, and just realized how important it is to have that one person who would listen. and not judge you. and yes, ive been talking to myself a lot. A LOT. like, all the time. am i going nuts? so ive sort of created an alter ego, or me number 2 who listens to my crap and actually has opinions. im back to watching grey. its good, at the moment it makes me feel less alone.

hey mickey ur so fine u blow my mind xx

Friday, August 22, 2008

one moment in time




Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown

I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

I've lived to be
The very best
I want it all
No time for less
I've laid the plans
Now lay the chance
Here in my hands

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

You're a winner for a lifetime
If you seize that one moment in time
Make it shine

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free


...breathtaking performance by whitney, of a song that never fails to put back the fire in me every time!! whoever wrote it is a genius. love her, love the song ;)

enjoying the now

dear diary,

so we work to make money and we work so we dont go crazy. and we go on holiday once a year if we can afford to n we watch our younger ones grow up. is that life? y am i always looking forward to something instead of enjoying the now - if im never happy with where i am, exactly at this very point of time, being where i wanted to be a few months ago when i was looking forward to this... and now im looking forward to something else. when do i stop looking forward to things and enjoy the moment?


happiness is a choice. xx

Thursday, August 21, 2008

the one i cant have

dear diary,

of all the boys i can get, the one i want is the one i cant have. typical?

xx

Monday, August 18, 2008

losing control

dear diary,

i discovered something this past weekend. something that probably means nothing to other people but i took one of those thrill rides at the fair during v festival and decided that for once i should try to just let go and enjoy the ride. i've always been such a control freak - something important about myself that i 'discovered' while i was in byron - that even while i'm on these rides i try to hold myself and wanted to still be in control of my reactions that only actually makes it worse. it is indeed psychological. and its funny that everything you see and do is all in the mind, and all about how you perceive things. the same way 'nobody can insult you, unless you allow them to'. so back to this ride, which was really nowhere close to being superscary as the other ones were (i was on it, only cause it was free:)... but still i dont know what it was that made me, for once, simply enjoy the ride. and i did. and it felt incredibly good. i even let my hands and feet go, wind blowing in my face and screaming out loud.. out of joy instead of fear. when i got to the festival, i wasnt in the best shape, mentally/emotionally and i needed a good distraction from just about everything. and learning that, that letting go and enjoying the ride couldnt have come at a better time. i cant control everything in my life, the thought still scares me but i guess i'm willing to give that a try.

lesson learnt: losing control isnt always a bad thing :)

breathe baby

dear diary,

im single and im fuckin lovin it!! haha. dont know wht the fuck i was on last week, i shld b celebrating my freedom while i can. perhaps im also panicking today, as it leaves 2 months to my 26th. TWO MONTHS left to be 25. I sure as hell do not want to spend it, yet again, wondering what the hell ive done w my life... and instead embrace the things i actually HAVE managed to get done. i bet even madonna, at 50 just 2 days ago, wouldve stopped to think what she wished she couldve achieved... while the rest of us wonders why she hasnt retired and enjoy the fortune she's earned half her life. cant get enough of what you have, it's human nature, is it not? im just back from v fest and it was wi-cked! had good night sleep-s the entire wkend so im not off my face tired as i usually wouldve been. im back w a freaking grin on my face... saw robyn, alanis, kaiser chiefs, prodigy(fuck yeah!), bits of estelle n sugababes n amy mcd... super. OH. and amy winehouse. who was indescribably disappointing. i was in utter shock. boo you, woman.


breathe baby! xx

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

haircut


dear diary,

im not sure how much longer until i eventually break. i do hope it doesnt get to that, but i cant help but feel it could. besides, there can be worse things in life, right? i had a first show in london today, was nervous n so alone n was off to an awful headstart... thankfully my friends turned up! wasnt a big crowd, seeing as its a wkday s'pose but it was gd fun. until of course i had to travel home alone w my thoughts.

go away xx

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

is time flying or am i?

dear diary,

i had a pretty good day today. my friend insisted i went to the sauna/steam/swimming pool near his place and im glad i did :) so refreshing! bought myself a new skirt. v cute. gonna wear it tmw for my show at 93. to top that off, i got home and got me a pleasant surprise when the package my dad n sister sent me arrived! full of our new tshirt designs, food and some love. yay.

xx

Monday, August 11, 2008

my interview with Steve Nestar

LUCKY STAR

Dancer Steve Nelstar Talks New Documentary "Deeper"
By Ze!

What could possibly be better than working with an icon? After the Confessions Tour with Madonna, Steve Nestar finds that life must go on.

Many of the greatest performances have included dancers. We see them in mute; no words, no melody. Just gripping movements of body work that follow the music with expressions that go beyond mere words can ever say. It’s easy to forget that they also have a voice and wish to be heard. You might have seen him on Hung Up, where he holds an intense moment with the madgesty herself in the middle of the music video, and on many of her other live shows; including the Grammys. But we want to know more about him, as a person and as a dancer – whose first big break was at the FIFA World Cup in 1998. Writer Saer Ze catches up with Steve Nestar to discover the deeper, extraordinary behind-the-scenes life the rest of us have no clue about.

Art Nouveau Magazine: In your opinion, are dancers born or trained?

Steve Nestar: Well… there are people, in my own opinion, who do have a gift for dance but they have to find it out for themselves too. And you have others who need to be trained as well.

ANM: What moves or inspires you?

SN: What inspires me in dance can be anything that I know I can build up even more with my own way of dancing. It can be anything that I see outside or on TV that’s not even related to dance sometimes.

ANM: Who has been a major influence in your successes thus far?

SN: The major influence in my success? Well I would say first of all my eagerness at work, practicing everyday in studios or mostly in clubs back in the days. Getting information about my style of dance to the pioneers of hip hop dance too. But mostly because I worked very hard for that success.

ANM: Whose dancing style would you say yours is similar to?

SN: I don’t think that I am similar to anyone really, but the same foundations about dance or same inspirations ,yes some people of my generation of dancer, which is mostly people from the 90’s ,for most of us we evolved in dance together and with the same spirit also...from France and USA…

ANM: How many hours do you spend dancing on an average day?

SN: Well depending on what my schedule and the job I’m into at the moment.. Let’s say that it can go from a minimum of 3 hours to 8 or 9 hours dancing.

ANM: What is your typical day like?

SN: I don’t have a typical day type. My days are always different because I’m working for so many different things at once… I’ve so many different projects that I currently am working on right now.

ANM: What do you enjoy doing when you are not dancing?

SN: I read books because I’m a graphic designer. I work a lot on video projects, I realize and a documentary right now, helped by my partner in crime who is in NYC - Mr. Hardy Muanza aka “h.money” (www.cdmparis.blogspot.com)

ANM: How do you keep healthy and fit?

SN: Without sounding big headed, even if I don’t eat that healthy at all I’ve always been in shape. I’m really lucky for that I think…but I still do some exercises and once or twice a week eat some healthy food.

ANM: How and when did you discover dancing as something more serious than just a hobby?

SN: That was in 1997 if I remember,…when I became better at it and people started to be more interested in me and how I was dancing.

ANM: What sort of emotions do you strive to portray when you dance?

SN: Well I believe dance is an art form to express how you feel at the time you are inspired or the mood of the day of the week or the month...so it depends also on what you are looking for at the time, you have to choreograph or freestyle, and for what or whose purpose too.

ANM: There are countless dancers out there looking to score their big break. What made you stand out?

SN: I guess originality and a lot of training everyday can make the difference. Plus experiencing anything related to dance from being on stage for a theater (musical), battles or dance competitions, or being a back up dancer for a celebrity can forge your experience and make you grow up even more in dance…but a lot of training and originality is the main key to success.

ANM: What would you consider to have been your biggest milestone in your career?

SN: I think, of course, because I’m a dancer/choreographer for Madonna also made my name bigger than before, but I’m also waiting for my new big break with that documentary too.

ANM: Congratulations on being honored the Choreography Media Honors in 2007 for the ‘Confessions Tour’. What have you learned from working with Madonna?

SN: Oh well thank you, I see you did your research too (laughs). Well my experience as a dancer and also as a choreographer has really improved a lot…and I learned a few other things too that could be good for me and my next step or maybe reconversion in life too.

ANM: Is there a possibility that we will see you on her next world tour?

SN: I’m not really sure yet, but maybe it depends because I’m also directing my own company in New York with Hardy Muanza called “Club des Millionaires’…so you never know, its a fifty/fifty I guess.

ANM: Besides Madonna, if you were given the opportunity to work with anyone in the industry, who would it be?

SN: I have no idea really…maybe at least one time for Michael Jackson or Missy Elliot?

ANM: You have performed in various venues across the globe to many different kinds of audience, which has undoubtedly given you the most unforgettable vibe?

SN: Yes of course, it is always amazing to see 80 to 95 000 people came to watch their idol live in concert and the dancers who participate to make the show a successful one.

ANM: Do you feel you have achieved most of your goals as a dancer?

SN: Not yet. I did achieve, in my eyes, a lot of things but I am not finished yet. I still have some to show and mostly stuff that will carry my own signature as a dancer…wait and see!

ANM: If dancing is your first love, what is your close second?

SN: Well I love dance but as we speak right now it is my second love…the first one actually, her name is Jennifer ;-)…to whom I dedicate my life to.

ANM: Tell us about your project, ‘Deeper’.

SN: Okay. ‘Deeper’ is a documentary to show the evolution of dance in every sense of the word, which means that its about the relationship between the dance community and the music industry and all that is happening in those days in the lives of a dancer/choreographer because, obviously, there are so many different opinions about it and something here is definitely wrong or at some point did turn wrong. And this documentary shows people what they don’t know, that choosing to have a career as a dancer is not what they think it is. Anyway, this documentary is dedicated to a lot of people that keep the art alive too, and keep on making the history of hip-hop dance growing up more…I hope by watching it, the next generation will understand and know what to change and will do it.

ANM: What’s next for Steve Nestar?

SN: I don’t really know. I believe in destiny and everything but I cannot really predict the future…but hopefully something good for me… maybe get married one day? I don’t know. I’m in love with someone… so why not? But professionally, I would like to own a company, which I have started to build already. That would be great, yes!

(originally published on Art Nouveau Magazine)


ze.

x

nobody knows me



I've had so many lives
Since I was a child
And I realise
How many times I've died
I'm not that kind of guy
Sometimes I feel shy
I think I can fly
Closer to the sky

This world is not so kind
People trap your mind
It's so hard to find
Someone to admire

No ones telling you how to live your life
But it's a setup, and I'm just fed up
It's no good when you're misunderstood
But why should I care?
What the world thinks of me
Won't let a stranger
Give me a social disease

I don't want no lies
I don't watch TV
I don't waste my time
Won't read a magazine

I sleep much better at night
I feel closer to the light
Now I'm gonna try
To improve my life

Nobody knows me
Like you know me

Its no fun but the damage is done
Don't want your social disease

Sunday, August 10, 2008

less is more

dear diary,

i want to be careless and care less.


xx

you want this glam wallpaper up yours


This wallpaper is meant for you to glam up your laptop, instead of that boring view of the hills or whatever. Put it on every single desktop in your office, let ze do the talking ;)

HOW?

1) Click on image
2) Right click on bigger image
3) Click on 'Set as desktop background'
4) Walla!


bling it to me baby xx

six days to 50



dear diary,

what makes a person so different from others? what makes them stand out and b extraordinary for just being them? in a world thats fast heading towards globalism where everybody thinks/acts/talks/dresses the same, it actually takes effort to not pay attention to what the media terms as cool or "normal". But for some, not giving 2 fucks about what others think of them and going with instincts come naturally. and if u'r a woman doing so means coming off acting like a bitch. madonna inspires me everyday, whether i realize it or not. and i hope she continues to.

here's to an icon xx

Saturday, August 09, 2008

moon man is my mr right


dear diary,

i thought to myself today, if i had to choose between scoring an MTV award and scoring MR RIGHT, i believe i'd choose the award. In a glance it seems more achievable and tangible and you know that when you get it, you have it for life and no one can really take the fact that you won the fuckin moon man away from you. but a person, on the other hand, he's not forever. you just never know. plus, how do you know when you've found one? you certainly would know what an mtv award would look like but mr right? what would he look like and how do you define this person? and to think that you normally only find men when you're not looking - wtf is that all about? with sexy moon man, however, theres no way you'll get there if you're not looking to score one. dream the fuck on. its not gonna fucking fall on ur fucking lap. finding mr right is a matter of sheer luck. you're not gonna find him on facebook or match.com or from a girl's night out or at a wedding, but then again, who the hell knows? y should i waste my make up and mobile SMSs on something you dont even know is going the direction you want it to? god knows ive spent a shitload more on mr right. and where has it gotten me? i lost him and thankfully still got a bit of sanity left. but im not sure if it's enough to venture on another. so fuck the ideology of mr right because i already found him and took me fuckin 2 years to discover he was, in fact, mr right - only he wasn't MY mr right. fuck love with a capital F. n the way it just fucking fucks w ur head.

please ignore me, ill be fine by morning xx

i dreamt of the day i could tell you to fuck off

dear diary,

there once was a magazine who clearly hated me and my vision and basically made a review out of personal hatred by using my shameless album. and guess what? looks like i sustained longer than they have. their url no longer directs to anywhere, so i shall assume they've died a sufferably long and painful death. i thank my sister n friends who were there to keep me going... wooh!!

celebrate good times come on xx

Friday, August 08, 2008

thank god its fuckday

dear diary,

i love mornings :) being up early in the morning is completely different from my usual being up so late it's early. people close to me would know that it is a rare thing for me. i'm nocturnal, naturally. my sister understands that best. we have our spontaneous meetings at 3am in the morning, because that's when we're most awake for business brainstorming sessions. i love it. and i miss that right now. so here i am , w toasts on one side and hot chocolate on the other, staring out into the garden in my lazy clothes, listening to jack johnson n typing this out... feels so carrie bradshaw. i cant help but wonder. haha. i slept at 8 last night and up before 6. my mom wouldve been proud. first thing i did as always, pick my laptop up , check my myspace n emails n fbook. then watch a couple of lost episodes. talk to ben. organize my week. plan for londonedge. feels like it's gonna b a good weekend. hopefully i get to explore a bit of london nightlife since we're off fr the festivals. n perhaps write a new song.

im happy n at ease xx

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

so it's yellow


dear diary,

back fr loch lomond last night. wooh. lets just say it was eventful, for now to say the least. today when i eventually got my ass off bed, went to check out pure london, a fashion trade show at olympia. the same venue where osixnine will be exhibiting in sept. huge place! and does look like a lot of fun, so im looking forward to that... n tomorrow's my first day at dont panic, not sure what my job requires me to do just yet. nothing sexual i hope. also just updated my profile photo on myspace... getting a lil zzz w the old one so thought id give it a fresh air!

now u know what colour it is xx