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(Dec.22.2009)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

lets all be normal

dear diary,

i need to take a deeeep breath. okay. focus.

so ruben finally brought the stuff i left here 2 years ago. The shoes, the heart-pouring artwork and my songbook! aaah. ive also forgotten i had the novel 'extremely loud n incredibly close'... a story thats close to my heart. its so heartbreaking but a beautiful read. thinking about the hopes i had when i was here then arent that different from the ones i have now. thats pretty scary. which is maybe the reason why i think i should obey the mind this time. n not the heart. doesnt mean im not doing what i want, but it means with much less emotions. makes it easier. my life is on hold right now, im just completing a little mission. i wonder y i want it so badly sometimes. y cant i just grow up n follow the rat race like everybody else n be happy. you know, like, pop out a few babies, visit my mom every weekend, cook for my husband, shop at the nearest mall, hangout w my colleagues, wear the same clothes everybody does, talk like everybody does, go on a holiday once a year, save money and wait to retire, worry about my bills, worry about my babies, wonder if my husband is faithful enough, check my bank account once a week, do my laundry, go to my high school reunion and be happy im not still single like me, would love to go out dancing but my husband says no, make my in-laws happy, play the piano, listen to carrie underwood n think she's the shit, watch tv, buy a new phone everytime a new one comes out, turn 60 and think wow ive had a very well-organized life, brag about ur children who is now a doctor/lawyer, drive around the neighbourhood in ur fancy bmw, play golf everyday and die.

on second thought, im happy im doing what im doing xx

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